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June 17, 2010
End of the Year Sadness
So today marked the end of the 2009-2010 school year in Sac City. We all know we've seen a lot of these, and I have seen many more due to my occupation as a teacher. I've seen hundreds of kids come and go, and I often think what I did and said when I was their age. It's always funny to watch sixth and eighth graders at the end of the school year (the school where I do the most work and spend a lot of my spare time is a K-8 school) because I see a lot of students show their emotions as they say goodbye to their friends. There are a lot of kids who cry, both boys and girls. It never make any sense to me, and it still doesn't because my logic then and now is pretty much this: "I'm (They're) gonna see you fuckers next year, and if not then, then plenty during the summer." I know that some of them won't be going to the same school next year, but it's not like they're moving to Alaska or some shit. This is how I've always felt; that is, until today...
Before I get started, I've often used Churducken as a personal journal. I like to write down my thoughts and get feedback on them. It's not like any other journal that I would just write in because I enjoy getting the responses. I appreciate the time you guys take to read what I'm feeling and responding, you are like my sounding board. I think we all share that common relationship.
Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. The story actually starts about six years ago, we were all still in college, and this was about the time I had transferred to Sac State. It was around this time I met a little first grade girl (Jessica) and for some reason or another she decided to latch on to me (not in the literal sense, it's more a term my mom and I use when a person finds great comfort in another, then they tend to hang around said person a lot. Does that make sense at all?) and she would look out for me whenever I was there and just walk around with me out on the playground until it was time for her to go back to class. I really don't remember a whole lot of conversation between us, I mostly asked her if she wanted to play with her friends, which she sometimes did. There were times I remember she would hold my hand as I walked around, which was kinda cute, but admittedly a little strange as well. I didn't really think much of it, nor did anyone else.
I eventually met her parents and her siblings, by which time her parents already knew who I was, by name of course. Apparently she had told her parents all about me. This relationship continued and grew over the years; I remember several years ago when I couldn't even walk by her in the cafeteria or anything because she would grab my arm and wouldn't let go until she was done eating. She didn't care if she had to eat with one hand, she did not want to let go of me. During this time I thought of her as that kid who likes me a lot, but she was still special to me.
(If you're still reading at this point, I truly appreciate your patience) Moving on to early last school year, I had applied for a sixth grade job at another school in the Pocket area. For some reason, I had told very few people about this, and apparently one of these people was this girl's mother (Sarah). I always had a good relationship with the mother, we would spend a lot of time talking about random topics or just joking around, so I was close with her as well. Anyhow, she had gone home and mentioned it to Jessica, who became quite upset and proceeded to cry for some time. Sarah came to school the next day and sat down next to my mom's desk (I happened to be there) and was talking to my mom and mentioned that Jessica had been crying. I had figured it was over something ridiculous because she is pretty sensitive and cries about a lot of things. Out of curiosity, I asked what Jessica had been crying about, and Sarah told basically told me: "I told her you applied for that sixth grade job, and she was upset that she would never see you again." Incredibly confused, I asked if she was joking with me, to which she responded: "Oh no Kevin, my kids love you. You're totally big brother to them, not joking."
I was a little shocked at this point, but it became clear to me how this kid feels about me. It just so happened not long before this Jessica had adopted me as her "long lost God-brother." Ever since I could remember I had always wanted a little sister, and this girl seemed to fit that place perfectly. I suppose we had adopted each other.
(If you're still reading, my appreciation and your patience knows no bounds) All this happened early last year, and naturally I continued my work throughout last year and this year. During this time Jessica and I had grown close. She stopped the hand holding (although she would grab my hand on rare occasions), but she still sought a hug whenever I was there. I really looked forward to seeing her, even if was just for the hug. There was something about her that brightened my day, I suppose that's what charisma is, or something.
Anyhow, it was only in the last month or so that I realized there would be a day that I would have to say goodbye. It sort of hit me like a brick wall, and I thought about what I would do when that time came. It finally came today, and I halfway thought that Jessica would get emotional, while halfway thinking she would be okay. The school day ended, and I did my job of getting most of the kids off campus. Sarah works in the library, so her kids often congregate there after school. It so happened today they were headed off to another family's house after school, so I didn't get a long goodbye like I had planned. I passed by Jessica, and waited to see what she would do, and it didn't surprise me that she didn't say a word to me. I turned around and gave her a hard time for trying to leave without saying goodbye to me. She turned, smiled, and gave me a hug. I gave her my goodbye, and ended with "I love you," to which she responded in kind. The strange part is that I found myself getting emotional and was a little teary-eyed. I expected that from her, but I have never gotten emotional like that, at least not in many, many years. I suppose it means that she meant a lot more to me than I thought she did, and I found myself saddened as she left for her friend's house.
It's not like I won't see her again, and I'll still be in frequent contact with her parents and brother. There was a sense of finality to today though, but her final response to me will stick in my mind forever.
Thanks for reading this, if any of you did. Feel free to respond in any way you choose. It makes me feel better knowing I have a place to share my emotions and receive constructive responses. I'll probably be deleting this entry within the next week or so, unless you all feel a strong need to keep it around. Also, if you're curious at all to see my sister, I suppose I could post a picture. I'm not sure what the legality is regarding posting pictures of minors without parent consent though.
EDIT: I changed the names of the people involved in this post to protect confidentiality, because I was an stupid idiot-fuck retard and didn't think about it when I posted this. Not that it really matters, all the people who visit this website regularly I can count on one hand.
Posted by Ninja McFear at June 17, 2010 11:02 PM
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Comments
No worries man. I know exactly what you mean. As a teacher you have a much larger impact on students than you can ever realize. And, clearly, sometimes that impact is felt both ways.
You have every right to feel that way man, time only flows in the one direction and everything that starts inevitably has to end, or at the very least change (our peer group is a prime example, now that we are all scattered to the 4 winds when we all used to hang out at least once a week in a big(ish) group. You little sister will never forget you. But she will never stop moving forward either and neither will you.
If anything, it is a thing of beauty to know that the world and those people we share it with are not static. Everything shifts and changes and gets better and worse but is always different. I don't know if any of this ramble helps you Kevin, but know that we've all been there. You're still the rock-solid cold blooded ninja master we all know and love, but it's cool to see that even you are mortal, haha. Take care of yourself man, and rest up, you have a whole pack of new students headed your way in the coming months.
p.s. How's your health man. I've been hesitant to ask because I know you hate people fussing in any way, shape, or form over you, but I hope you're well. Peace out Ninja.
Posted by: Vilhelm 
at June 18, 2010 7:59 PM
Thanks for the words Will. She was always special to me, but it's time for me to let her go. Things change, people move on, we all get older. The funny thing is that I never really taught any of her classes. I tried to avoid it because of the relationship we had, and also because her dad and I played a mean trick on her the one time I did sub for her class (She got pretty upset, I felt bad about it for a while. She never mentioned it again though, so hopefully she forgave me) Even still, we had a special relationship that I will cherish until the day I die.
I'm doing fine other than that, thanks for asking. It was an interesting trip to the doctor. He spat out all these medical terms at me, and I had him translate them for me. One of the possibilities could basically be heart failure due to exertion, or something like that. My friend Kyle died from that when we were at CKM. My EKG was normal, so it wasn't that. It also could have been something that causes on of the arteries near my heart to swell, dropping the pressure would would result in passing out. My heart monitor results came back negative, so it wasn't that either. Then he told me that he could put me on a tilt table for twenty minutes or so to see if he could trigger a fainting spell, to which he didn't sound too convinced. All my tests came back negative for whatever they were looking for, so the tilt table would have most likely done nothing.
It finally got to the point where I asked him "Okay, so I need to leave here feeling how and knowing what?" He basically told me that I should feel normal and know that I'm okay. The only thing he could tell me is that I am slightly more susceptible to these kind of things in the future, but there has to be some kind of stimulus to trigger it, like seeing blood.
That's the story of that, I also had to take a behind the wheel test courtesy of my doctor. That's a whole different story which will most likely result in massive quantities of obscenities from me, so I won't get into it. I'm considering getting another doctor.
Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read that and respond Will. It's nice to know that I can get my thoughts out there and have people tell me what's going on in my head. I might totally ambush my sister at school next year and surprise her, or maybe just join her for lunch one day or something.
Posted by: Ninja McFear at June 18, 2010 11:50 PM
If there's any way I can talk you out of removing this post, I'd like to.
Being able to be human and honest is always what I liked about this, and your post is that. It totally makes sense that you'd feel emotional. I mean, you not only watched this girl grow up, but were an active part of it, and of who she is.
I can't help but think some of what you feel must be proud, that she's graduating, and such an awesome kid... and I am happy for you (and her).
Posted by: Geoff at June 23, 2010 10:29 PM
I was probably going to keep this post around anyway Geoff, but you've persuaded me to definitely keep it.
I like to think that I helped shape her in some way, that I left some kind of impression on her persona or something. I've seen a lot of kids who have been affected by my personality or what I teach them, they tend to adopt some of my beliefs or certain personality traits (although that last one may be a bad thing). However, I see none of that in her, but I like to think that I had some kind of affect on her nonetheless. I watched her grow up from a tiny, innocent girl to a mature young lady. And yes, I am proud of her. So proud of her...
I am proud that she made it through all these years of school and never gave up, proud that she never gave in to peer pressure, proud that she never let other people or her friends affect her decisions, and proud of the person she has become. She does irk me sometimes though with some of the stunts she pulls (shocking!!!)
I miss her terribly, but I know it's time to move on. We both have our lives to live, and there's no turning back. I always tell kids "Live in the now, be mindful of the future, and learn from the past." Thanks for taking the time Geoff.
How's things?
Posted by: Ninja McFear at June 24, 2010 12:38 AM
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